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Homepage by Krowarts

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Photo by @evaweinberg

1. flowers

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2. saturn

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Reef

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Queen of Hearts

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An excerpt from a work in process,

All This Ethnicity

7th Grade Social Studies Teacher 

So...what is your ethnicity Kendall? I can’t quite tell.

7th Grade Me

Oh, My dad’s like Japanese and Italian and my mom’s just English…I think. 

7th Grade Social Studies Teacher

Japanese? Wow.

7th Grade Me

...

My Voice

 

(we see moving images of the doll, the kimono from different angles)

I noticed confusion at Japanese 

Often, I’d notice confusion at Japanese.

In my grandparent’s bedroom there lived this doll, in a glass case 

The doll was dressed in full Kimono
White face, Red Painted Lip
She stood posing

Left hand on right cheek
Looking down on the ground with a kind of smirk 

I always noticed confusion at Japanese 

Often, in me

Where was the quarter of myself that was Japanese?
Toes, feet, ankles, shins, thighs, hip, torso, breasts, arms, fingers 

What about in my...
Neck, head, eyebrows, forehead, hair 

From there I search
For a story
For a person
.

.

My Grandma Kay taught me how to knit and sew. I remember a weekend where we went to Joanne fabrics and she bought me my first sewing kit and a tomato pin cushion. The TOMAAAHTO. She’d call it. 

She had her own vegetable garden filled with tomaaaahtos and cucumbers.

Her order at Japanese restaurants was green tea and Chirashi. She also loved anything Tempura

She loved pocketbooks and jewelry and things that were made really well.

She’d scoff at me for throwing away scraps that I’d cut away from vegetables

She couldn’t understand, was confounded when I would run around with wet hair or not wear socks or when I asked

 

“can you teach me how to crochet?” 

“waste of yarn” she responded without a flinch

She wrapped the yarn around her fingers in a way so that she could press her index finger down like a button and her fingers would become an actual knitting machine

She had long nails, manicured, usually with red nail polish.

Grandma Kay rocked a red lip.

Her suits were gorgeous. 

when she’d sleep over she’d pop out her dentures and tell me that’s what happens when you don’t brush your teeth

I’d tell her something that made total sense to me and she’d go “Whaaaa???” 

I started taking Japanese in high school. I was terrible at it.

She'd began to decline. She began forgetting things that just happened or things we just said.

 

I’d show her my sentences in attempted hiragana and she may have been losing memory but she knew that I could NOT speak Japanese.

She came to all my shows. She came to the soccer games. The occasional karate tournament. 

My friends knew her as my Japanese Grandma. 

My Grandma Kay.

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There are dreams here

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Consent Fucking Matters

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 Abajo la misma luna 

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Reflections on Madonna

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1. 

Zephyr in the sky at night

A place I could possibly call home

If the water pressure was right

And someone could prove I’m safe there

If I close my eyes I’m with you anyway

Dancing in your shadow

Like the child I was at seventeen

Hoping to go somewhere with you

 

Once you drove me in your big white car

After you’d taken a tab

And told me you were the car

Staring straight down at the road

I wasn’t scared

With my parents’ beer sweating in my pocket

I was ready to go somewhere with you.

 

2.

People change

People change

But summer comes around

I remember you

I know we died

But summer comes around

 

There was a time when summer made me think of you

Sweat color

Drives out of the city in your car

I could see you were the beach I hadn’t visited in years

At night I lock the doors

Where no one else can see

Lie on the ground

Touch the knuckle you held

Same one I burned on the light

 

Did you know in seven years we will hate each other?

Did you know we’ll think of each other

When the 1 goes by

And we’ll die that way

Separate, thinking of each other

I’ll leave money for your children

And you for mine

Maybe my daughter will love someone someday

With sunny eyes like yours

When she’s grown and hungry for the things life can’t give freely

The things you have to pay a price for.

 

Girl with the great name

 

It might as well be you

Curly bangs in your face, some sort of jewel-toned lumpy sweater

A dream girl designed by the dream

I wonder if you were born this way

Or made yourself

Brick by brick

Like I did

Wonder when you go home if you feel empty at night

Wonder if you built the walls before the floor

When you go home to the Northeast

And drink tea in the woods

Do you twinge from leftover pain?

Or are you truly happy

Do you get wrapped up in warm conversations

In dim lighting at night

With your intelligent parents

Or do you shuffle around a cold house,

uncomfortable?

Do you find yourself out of place again

Search for what to say to your own blood

Feel thirsty for the city but also torn between

there, and what you used to be,

creeping up your back?

Are you really as soft brown as you look

Boots just out of frame

Some girl that’s kinda wonderful

Who I danced with on a snow day

 

Woman

 

I’m a brave woman

Coming down here among all these men

To make my way to market

To hold my bags and stand stoned among them

Alone. Like I can handle it.

I’m a brave woman

I’m not afraid of them in my skirt

I size them up. They see me see them.

I do not look away.

I stand among them. I am one of the men.

As I make my way to the market alone

I am a modern woman

With just conditional fear

I don’t care about fairness

I’ll stand right here

Laura Hetherington

Lazy Day

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My monthly is your lifeline

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Tripod Bowl Doodle

Flower Arrangement by @fleurotica

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There are dreams here

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His Father's Castle, His Mother's Glory

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“His Father’s Castle, His Mother’s Glory” is a series of photos dedicated to my father who lost both his parents in the past year and a half. On a recent trip to his childhood home, I watched my father contend with decades of unresolved trauma and neglect from his own father, himself a survivor of abuse. Perhaps revisiting his parent’s vacant home was a final way for my dad to reconcile years of rage and pain with the love, tenderness, and forgiveness he has learned to give himself.

Matt Scheffler

I am the Dog called Forbidden

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FiveHold introduction

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FiveHold city interior

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Nobody Tells Me!

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Tripod Bowl

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